Adressed to Nobody
by Joosie
Summary: FINISHED Neela's confession on a piece of paper made her realize she'd to do something about her feelings so she called. And he answered.
1. The Letter

_Dedicated to all the amazing people at, the now closed, Reela is Love. Also, thanks to Oda for being my title-God._

Lyrics from Kelly Clarkson's "Sober" (:

* * *

_And I don't know  
This could break my heart or save me  
Nothing's real  
Until you let go completely  
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving  
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me_

"I don't know" Neela wrote down on the lined page. She lay on the sofa, sleepless for what night in a row? and listened to the CD on a low volume. She'd read somewhere that it helped to write down how one feel and whatever that made her focusing on anything but him was worth a try from her point of view. "I want to talk to him, know how he's doing and meet him. Hang out like we did in the old times. Watch a movie and drink beer. Of course, that'll never happen again. Because of everything. And cause we never really dared to confess. I never really dared to confess. Seeing him that day in the wheelchair was the biggest chock I've ever experienced. When Michael were in Iraq there were always a chance that he could die so it was always on my mind but something happening to Ray!? Here, in Chicago?"

_Three months and I'm still sober  
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers  
But I know it's never really over_"

First, when he called after the accident I was bloody pissed, surprised, and enormously happy to hear from him. Then, it's all darkness and misery. A fuzzy walk towards his room and I see him with bitterness and indifference in his eyes. Like this was not worth it, perhaps getting me - but loosing two legs. Amputated below the knees. Ironic fate. Confessing how I felt out loud, and receiving a unexpected reply, wasn't like I thought it would be. I didn't really have any expectations but his reaction, no. I didn't think that he would react the way he did. Acting cold and saying things that I never thought I would hear. A part of me knew it, everything that I'd done. Promised lies."

She sat up and threw the letter on the table. The air picked it up and it flew silently down on the floor and landed next to her pile of clothes. For the last months she'd begun to stay at Luka's with Abby, hoping that it would helping some way. The roomies apartment was sold and Abby's old apartment remembered her of Gates. Playing with Joe in her free time and be hundred percent concentrated on work only left her time to think of him in the nights. She buried her face in her hands and thought back on that doomed day. Phrases like "**it doesn't really matter now, does it?", **"**Just don't tell me that you're going to do something when I know you won't**" and "**I know, I was checking the message when I got hit. So I know**" constantly repeated in her head. Someday she'd get past this Neela told herself, another lie.

_Three months and I'm still breathing  
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know  
It's never really over, no_  
_  
Wake up_

Neela didn't really know why she told herself all those lies about getting over him. Those rare times when she'd time over, she had stood outside his house. Looking at the ramps, looking in and sometimes see a shadow of someone. Then, when she got home - the guilt feelings entered her mind. He did not deserve her. Yet, she wanted him. Needed him. Needed his company and love. Neela gave a quick gaze at the home-made CD cover and made an impulsive decision.

_Three months and I'm still standing here  
Three months and I'm getting better yeah  
Three months and I still am_

_Three months and it's still harder now  
Three months I've been living here without you now  
Three months yeah, three months_

_  
_She picked up the cold metal piece from the floor and pressed a few buttons that she knew by heart. Tones. A clear voice.

"Neela?"

Courage.

"Can I come over?"

_  
Three months and I'm still sober  
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers._

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**A/N:** This do open up for a sequel but I don't know...what do you guys think? Please drop off a review, that'd be really nice! 


	2. The Confrontation

Sorry for not updating earlier, guys! Your reviews meant a lot to me, thanks

We can pretend that Ray's still living in Chicago, not in Baton Rouge, things are just easier that way. I think that this is a bit OOC but it would be nice if you dropped off a review to see if you share opinion with me. Lyrics from Rob Thomas' When The Heartache Ends, found by Oda. She's also my beta-reader for this story. Thank you.

**This chapter is dedicated to my amazing friend Ella 'cause she's celebrating her birthday today!**

_

* * *

_

_It's never easy and you never know  
What leaves you crying  
And what makes you whole  
There ain't no way that I can hold it down  
Falling to pieces  
Forever in doubt_

She'd done a successful sneak-out mission and now Neela sat on the EL on the way to his house. The carriage was empty except for a couple of drunk kids in the back but they didn't bother her at all with their laughing and giggling. She sat and regretted every little piece of the phone call and the fact that she actually was on the way to see him. Him. Again. Somewhere inside her, she knew that she had to do this - continue like this was simply not possible. Still, something was telling her that this would not end good. Love stories never did, especially with a messy past like theirs.

_But it's alright  
Why don't you tell me again  
How you'll still be there  
When the heartache ends  
It's alright  
Why don't you tell me my friend  
How you'll still be there  
When the heartache ends_

The July air was lukewarm and the sky had a grey-scaled colour. This summer was coming to an end and it would take with it all the memories that hurt so much. Neela dragged her foots behind her on the uneven surface of the pavement as if it would help. As if things would turn out better if she took it slow. She was good with diagnostic and treating when it came to patients but it was another thing when it came to herself. Running away and don't confront people was more of her style. Neela's brain, for once, did not agree with her heart.  
_  
There ain't nobody who can show you how  
To find the surface when you're underground  
There ain't no blanket that can hide this cold  
There ain't no memory  
That ever gets old_

"Hi" He sat outside the house, on the porch. Where his legs once had been Neela saw the outline of the prostheses and she felt a twinge of guilt. His head was tilted backwards, leaning towards the wall, and his eyes were closed. He gave the impression of wanting to be dead. . As she entered the garden he opened his eyes and looked at something behind her.

"Hey" Ray's voice was harsh.

"Sorry if I woke you up"

"I was already awake" She was surprised over his coldness, his ability to pretend that he didn't care anymore.

"How are you?" Neela cursed herself for asking and she just wanted to run away. Get out from that yard as fast as possible. He smiled and if it had been another occasion Neela would have said that it was a smirk.

"As good as I could be, I guess. Considering going back to work at County again sometime in the future. Visited them last week."

"You did?" She knew. The rumour about him visiting the ER had made its way up to the OR floor later on that day. But he hadn't paid her a visit. Not that she wasn't surprised. She ruined his life.

"I did" He hesitated for a few seconds and then continued. "I'm not gonna let you do this. Let you in in my life when all we ends up with is getting hurt."

"Then why did you answer at all when I called you?" That he did not respond immediately too. His eyes got a thoughtful look as if he was thinking of a proper answer and she could tell that he was split. Reading people hadn't been her strong power until recently. Guess being a widow and the fact that she used to live in a love triangle changes it all, she thought sarcastically.

_And I move all directions  
To the corners and the outskirts  
While the lovers and the lonely  
Start to whisper all about me  
And if I stand here silent  
I almost start to feel you fading in  
Telling me hold on  
Cuz it's gonna be alright_

"You know, that day in the car." He changed subject and tone. She got the impression that he also had oscillated feelings. Like she had." I would give anything to go back to that day" He fixated his eyes at hers and she fought the impulse of looking away. This was the reason she was here.

"Me too" She stood quiet and looked around, unsure of what to say. Once again he spoke.

"I don't want to be the rebound guy"

"Be the rebound guy?" _Rebound guy from whom? Tony? _Neela wanted to ask but instead she smiled and walked up on the porch and sat down on the other chair. "You're more like the guy I'm trying to rebound from. Tried." She corrected herself.

"You gave up, huh?" Ray looked at her with an tiny bit of self-esteem and everything she was about to say disappeared.

"I.." How could she possible explain how she felt? Neela was torn between knowing better and what her heart wanted. "You're you and Tony is…well, Tony. We're history and it was a stupid mistake. I should've known better. You're unfinished history. Or present. I don't know what we are and that's why I'm here. To figure that out. To stop lingering in the past and begin to live again. I'm aware of what I want us to be but…then there's everything. Complications."

"Neela, this is not a damn surgery! This is your life, my life. You can't stand there in the dark forever."

"I know, I want…" She was not used to him talking the lead, or any of them taking the lead. Before the accident, they were just them. Roomies without these complicated feelings. Now, she knew what she wanted and she couldn't keep on living life this.

"What do you want then?" Ray said with curiosity in his voice. He looked away, out on the empty street.

"You." One simple word and she'd said it. Out loud. "I want you"

_Say you'll be with me  
When the heartache ends_


	3. The forgotten and found

Five months, and now I'm finished with this. Thanks so much for dropping of the reviews, they always mean alot. I'd also like to say a small thank you to Oda, because she's always around. **SnowPatrol '09**.

A/N: I do not own ER. If I did, I wouldn't be here writing about things happening. I would be there, making these things happen. .

Lyrics once again by Kelly Clarkson and the song is 'Be still'.

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_Far, away from it all  
You and me with no one else around  
A brand new start  
Is all we need, it's all we need to mend these hearts  
Back to the beginning  
_

"I want you" She repeated because she couldn't really believe that she'd dared to say it. Neela looked at him and the coldness that she had experienced from the beginning was gone. Everything were gone and he froze for a few seconds. Quiet. Her thoughts wandered their own way. The confession was done, and now she needed a response. A cold wind blew right through her thin coat and made her shiver. It felt like she sat there naked and exposed, without anything to cover herself with. He didn't respond and she desperately needed a response. Finally he opened his mouth and spoke.

_  
__Be still  
Let it go_

_Before we lost hope  
When we still touched and love wasn't so hard _

"It's stupid isn't it? I wanted you to say this so bad before, I'd give anything to hear you say this before but do you think that this is something that we two deserve? Life's messing around with us, complications. Trying in every single way to bend us apart. Gates. Katey. Waiting. Accident. Suppose that we're not made for each other. Then what?" He confessed, and she could only stare. Was this Ray? "I've been thinking about this and maybe it's best if we leave it like this."

"Do" She paused, not sure of what to say. She was terrified by what he'd just said, not quite what Neela had excepted after confessing. "Do you really believe what you're saying? Seriously? I've come here. I've confessed. I'm done waiting now, and until seconds ago, I thought that you were done waiting too. You push me to say things and then you retreat. You want to escape. It's silly and I think you know it too. Sitting here and crying like I'm still in middle school. It's so frustrating, you know? Me, being to foolish not to realize everything and now this. I want this, us, so bad. Sure, things comes in between but that's kind of what a relationship is, try to overcome things together. I want us, I do. So please don't go and back now" He looked up on her eyes, relief filling his eyes. Neela was sure that it was relief, though it didn't fit into their conversation.

_  
__Be still  
I already know_

_Foolish one with the smile  
You don't have to be brave  
Every time we fall down  
But we're falling from grace  
I'll gladly climb your walls if you'll meet me halfway_

_  
_"Sorry" Another pause. She didn't breath, she didn't think at all. To focused on him, and the words that was about to be said. "I just…needed to confirm it. That you were sure now. No waiting. No running away. You called and I….I'd to know that this was not you again, trying to make me confess out loud and then you would just let it go. It has happened, both you and I know that. I heard about the accident. You. Surgery. They called _me_ and I couldn't visit. I couldn't force myself to do it. I'd said things and if I showed up…I'd be just like you. Switching feelings when it fitted. I'm sorry that I didn't come. Lots of mistakes has been done, you know. I want you, I've knew this for a long time. A flash of light was lit after the kiss but then no. Nothing. I were waiting and you let me wait. I don't want that. " He was rambling, and aware of that.

_  
__Slow, slow it down  
Why do we run, we're missing so much babe  
Just lay in my arms for a while and..._

_Be still  
We should've known_

_  
_"Am I like that? Appearing to switch feelings all the time?" Neela asked, among all the things that had just been said this stuck._Switching feelings when it fits_. A player, with other words. Gosh, how could anyone cope with her being like that? The answer was simple. Ray. "I've totally been playing around with you, haven't I?"

"Pretty much, yeah." He looked at her in a way that he'd never done before, his eyes was filled with honesty and a whole lot of other things she couldn't describe. He had his own way of being open, and this was it. Now he was the one naked and exposed.

_  
__Foolish one with the smile  
You don't have to be brave  
I'll gladly climb your walls  
If you'll meet me halfway  
Every time we fall down  
But we're falling from grace  
Here's my hand and my heart  
It's yours to take_

_  
_She leaned in and kissed him gently, remembering their last kiss and all the awkwardness. Then the letter. Neela turned away from him and begun sneaking though the pockets in her coat.

"Hey, I've got something for you." She said and he keys in her pocket jingling as she searched. Finally, she found it.

"What is it?" He said as she gave him the thick folded paper. Right before she left the apartment she'd taken the letter with her, a simple impulse.

"It's a note, a letter. It's addressed to nobody but you might like to read it. Later."

"Now what? no more waiting?" He asked and she shook her head and couldn't help but smile. These words had been waiting to be said for a while and it was a relief to have it done.

"No more waiting"  
_  
__Be still._


End file.
